A Safe Place to Land: Brandon's Story

A Safe Place to Land: Brandon's Story

By Nonjabulo Mlangeni

In the latest blog on our website, we profile Brandon Hnedak, who works in the hospitality industry and designs novelty jewelry. Brandon walks us through his journey to XXY diagnosis and shares invaluable lessons on dating and relationships. A must-read for men who are looking for love, and not willing to settle for anything less.

A Safe Start

Brandon Hnedak knows a safe space when he sees it. As a child, he had support on all sides. Though he had learning and speech challenges, his school had ample resources for students who needed more help. There were on-site speech professionals, extra time on tests, and an after-school learning program that he was part of.

At home, his parents took care of the emotional aspect. When it came to touchy subjects, his mother framed things in ways that affirmed him. So much so that it never occurred to Brandon to see himself as inferior. He never had an inner narrative that he was less capable than others.

"In my mind, the other kids weren't smart for not taking advantage of the extra help," he says.

"Later, I learned that they weren't there because they didn't need to be. But the way my mom framed it was that I wasn't different from anyone else. It was: 'these classes are furthering your education. For anyone that's not taking advantage of this resource, it's their loss.'"

His parents were also careful not to isolate him within the family. Though he has siblings, he doesn't remember being set apart or treated like a 'special' case.

"We did most activities as a family," he recalls. "There weren't many times when it was like, 'Hey, Brandon, let's go do this thing—one on one.' So, I don't think I ever noticed that I was different, or took extra time [to do things], or whatever else. I was so focused on the group dynamic."

A Late Bloomer

One thing Brandon did notice early on is that he gravitates toward people younger than himself. It started early on with his preferred playmates and continued well into adulthood with his social circle. In school, he was closest to kids a few grades below him.

"When I hit 16 or 17, most of my friends told me I was immature. I'd make the kinds of jokes a 12- or 14-year-old would. Later in life, around 25, I even lost some friends, since I acted like a 20-year-old and they found me immature."

It was only once he learned more about XXY that Brandon understood why he wasn't in sync with his peers.

"I was told that although I'm X years old, my development is behind. So my mindset may be set back 3-5 years. So, I get along with younger people ... To this day I have friends that are much younger than me. But when you hit adulthood, it kind of varies. It doesn't [make as much of a difference]."

XXY Diagnosis

Brandon's journey is unusual in that the XXY diagnosis was never kept from him. Instead, it was revealed in parts; he didn't get the full story until his late teens. He thinks his parents found out when he was 11, because that's when he started testosterone therapy.

But even then, he didn't know what the shots had in them. He assumed they were some kind of health supplement or something related to ADHD, which he'd been diagnosed with at 8 or 9.

It wasn't until he was 18 that his parents sat him down and gave him a more detailed explanation. Still, Brandon understands why they did it that way. Many people with ADHD also have some difficulty with impulse control. In Brandon's case, this manifested as having no filter.

If his parents shared his diagnosis too early, he may have turned around and told people without considering the consequences.

"I would often say the first thing that came to mind," he remembers. "So, they didn't want me to have that terminology [available to me] in high school. I was already getting bullied for having friends that were younger than me, etc. So they didn't want to risk me knowing I had XXY and then speaking about it and having it used against me."

Finding out later kept Brandon from understanding the reason for some of his challenges, but he's at peace with that. A later disclosure was ultimately best for him because it kept him from growing up with a chip on his shoulder.

"I would've had the mentality that I'm different from everyone else, and I don't think that would've helped too much with growing up ... If you know you're different as a kid, you can plant [negative] ideas in your head. Before things even happen, you're thinking, 'I can't do this.'"

Finding His Feet

Although Brandon had very clear passions and interests, he still had no sense of direction. "I went to community college because I didn't know what I wanted to be and ended up studying different things because I couldn't focus on one subject."

Beyond the lack of focus, it was the difficulty of the actual coursework. He'd start with a genuine interest in a topic or a field, then struggle with the nitty gritty of what he actually needed to learn to see it through.

"I wanted to be a veterinary technician because I love animals, but it was too difficult. Then I thought maybe business or history, but when the counsellor broke down what that would actually look like, I'd take it back because I [knew I] would have so much trouble with those classes."

Still, he persevered, eventually finding a path that was both interesting and academically manageable. He ultimately graduated at 26, with a major in visual performance arts and a minor in graphic and digital design.

Love and Adulting

Brandon didn't have much difficulty with the social aspect of college. Being aware of his XXY by that time, he was intentional about picking friends that understood him and prioritizing that over popularity. But dating came with a steeper learning curve.

It was the ADHD in particular that created relational challenges. In romantic relationships, he struggled to resist the urge to overthink things.

"It's easy to start theorizing what could happen. So, in previous relationships, I struggled to just enjoy the moment with someone. I'd put ideas in my head about what could go wrong."

He remembers one instance where a girl he liked introduced him to her parents. His mind went straight to the worst-case scenario: comparing himself to them and concluding that he'd never measure up.

"I just thought: 'there's no way I'll ever be as successful as her parents; I can't live up to that.' So, I kind of sabotaged that relationship."

Through therapy and self-reflection, he managed to grow past those mistakes. Still, there were other speed bumps that he didn't create.

"I've had partners that didn't fully understand my ADHD indifferences and treated me poorly based on that," says Brandon. "They'd tell me about a birthday or an important date and get mad that I don't retain that information. They couldn't accept that I [genuinely] need to be told something at least 3 times to comprehend it."

These misunderstandings weren't for lack of trying on his part. He remembers walking one ex-girlfriend through his life in detail, trying to help her understand how his mind works. But she continued to have expectations that he couldn't meet.

"I'd explained my difficulties growing up and so forth, but she still couldn't comprehend that I'm different. It ultimately made me try to change myself to be better suited for her. It got pretty bad ... until my dad finally sat me down and said, 'you need to find someone different. She's not getting you, and you can't change who you are for someone else.'"

He credits meeting Ryan Bregante and other men with XXY with helping him leave an unhealthy long-term relationship. One conversation in particular really opened his eyes.

"We all sat down and discussed previous relationships, and we all had the same issue of wanting to change ourselves for the other person ... [people with XXY] tend to sacrifice ourselves more. We put someone else over our well-being, and we can stay in [bad] situations because we don't like change. But being selfless most of your life makes it really difficult for you to actually work on you."

With time, Brandon's gotten better at discerning what kind of person is likely to understand him best. He also knows which life experiences tend to create someone that's a better fit. Women who are highly educated often have a better grasp on his condition and how it actually plays out in everyday life. Women who have faced adversity in their own lives tend to treat him with more empathy.

Today, he advises people with XXY to be clear about who they are and not wait too long to do so. Anyone you're pursuing a meaningful relationship with needs to know what kind of support you may need and what being with you may actually look like.

"When the time is right, it's definitely helpful to tell someone, 'I may need help with decision-making,' or 'it's sometimes hard for me to communicate my feelings.'"

He also advises people to take the time to list the things they want in a partner, based on their own understanding of who they are and what they need.

"Go beyond the whole appearance factor, because I've tried the appearance factor for most of my life, and [learned that] none of the people with the most immaculate appearance will understand you as a human being."

A Safe Place to Land

Today, Brandon is content in many areas of his life. Much of that is because he's taken the time to understand what circumstances he thrives in. On the work front, he does best with repetitive tasks that he can do in an independent environment.

His current job is ideal because it meets the criteria. He provides behind-the-scenes support at a boutique hotel, where he enjoys a predictable routine and works without being micromanaged.

Brandon's also in a more harmonious relationship with a woman he affectionately describes as "much smarter" than he is. Because she processes things from a more intellectual perspective, she doesn't take his quirks personally or internalize them.

In his spare time, he makes novelty watches and other jewelry. At home, he has a room specifically for his projects. When he feels stressed or overwhelmed by the world, it helps him regulate his emotions while doing something productive.

It's something he recommends to other people with XXY, even those who don't work with their hands. Indeed, it's less about the work and more about having a space that reminds you of your value and your potential. It could be a project room, a trophy corner or a wall that celebrates your proudest moments.

"In tough times, you can look at that and see what you've accomplished," says Brandon. "Or just tinker with some things and forget about the difficulties of the day. You need a safe space of your own, where you can go and just be yourself ... that's the biggest thing."